Oops. Just fitting in a quick cigarette. Sorry.’ Sarah had been caught momentarily off-guard and she was slightly shaken. As she looked down to dispose of her half-smoked cigarette I could see that the stress of the day was already taking its toll. She was drawn and tired, yet we had only just got past the first coffee break.
‘Now, that’s better, how can I help?’ The transformation was complete. As she stood up and brushed down her skirt the conference organizer’s usual face had returned: pleasant smile, inquiring eyes, concerned manner, all propped up with a deft touch of professionally-applied lip gloss and toner. She looked, not for the want of a better word, nice.
‘Oh, hello there. If I’d known it was you I’d have kept puffing,’ she said with a light twinkle in her eyes.
I’d known Sarah through these and similar events for a number of years. She was the consummate professional conference organizer. Always on hand to ensure that things went smoothly, to puff the egos of the speakers who wanted it, and press the flesh at cocktail parties. I never knew whether I counted as a friend or a contact and I suspected it made little real difference. Maybe such divisions didn’t exist in Sarah’s world. In any case, I was a fellow smoker and that, over and above anything else, implied unity.
‘Don’t mind me,’ I said as I flipped open my own packet and offered her a replacement which was readily accepted. A couple of lighter clicks later and we were as one. Time for some cigarette/conference speak. ‘Is it going well?’
‘Oh don’t start me off,’ she said. I’d clearly lit a touch paper. ‘It’s going as well as can be expected given this crowd. I knew about 7:00 this morning that they’d be a difficult bunch and so they’re proving. I’ve already had complaints about the coffee – too cold, too weak, too strong. They seem to be just as confused over the room temperature. And there’s a gaggle of newly-converted vegetarians demanding their lunch rights. It’s going to be a long one.’
I cocked my head to one side. Taking what I thought might look like a sympathetic drag on my cigarette, I made a mental note not to mention that my early-morning Danish wasn’t as fresh as one might have expected in a hotel of this caliber.
‘Anyone would think that half of them had only come for the bloody refreshments,’ she complained. ‘The really useful stuff for me, like who the good speakers are and which ones really made the conference worth attending, tends to get ignored. The only feedback forms we usually get are the ones full of petty gripes. I mean, yes I do want to know if your breakfast isn’t up to scratch but I also want people to tell me what’s useful in the actual conference sessions.’
Assuming that the troublesome breakfast reference was of a general nature rather than an invitation to detail stale pastries, I thought it was time to say a few soothing words. ‘The trouble is that people view this kind of thing as a bit of an away-day,’ I suggested, brandishing my cigarette to accentuate the point. ‘I mean, yes, the IR stuff is all terribly important and they want to get something out of the conference. But unfortunately they’re human, and most of them British, at that. In reality, it’s a short break – something like a weekend in the country – and that means that they’ve all got their holiday hats on. They might be hiding it under gray suits and smartly tailored two-pieces but they’re in a different mindset and they want to be pampered. They want value for money too – particularly the food.’
‘But it’s not even their money they’re spending,’ countered Sarah.
‘It’s theirs by proxy and that’s what counts. In fact, that often makes people even harder to please. Situations that normally wouldn’t even make them bat an eyelid on their own terms can lead to ridiculous delusions of grandeur and complaints about service if they’re spending company cash. Believe me, it gets even worse if the cash belongs to a client.’
‘Well, I’m just glad I don’t have the same problem,’ said Sarah, twirling her cigarette end in the ashtray. ‘As far as I’m concerned my working holiday is when I’m back in the office at my desk. At least people are a phone call away then.’ She looked at her watch and I realized my time was up.
‘Well, thanks for the smoke and I’ll see you at the cocktails. I’m off to have words with the technicians. They never seem able to get it right.’
