People often ask me what my birth sign is. Coyly I simper, ‘Virgo,’ the virgin, and then, more belligerently, point out that I was born six weeks premature by Caesarean section. Literary readers will remember that this gives me a special advantage if ever I should stumble across Macbeth on a dark night. Skeptical readers will note that it should raise some serious questions about astrology, such as whether an obstetrician can cheat the cycle of the heavens by arranging a birth for an auspicious time.
Alas, we know, gullibility is the watchword of the age. From aromatherapy to dot-com stocks, there is more than a whiff of the dark ages about the end of the century. Personally, I prefer a touch of fin-de-siècle decadence, for which I can doubtless blame my stars.
However, we then discover that as well as livening up their morning commute with a glance at the charts, there are people out there who don’t trust the Wall Street Journal dartboard method of stock-picking. They just rely upon the stars.
Confident that astrologers were all born in Taurus (as mierde de toro), so that whatever I can concoct on the soothsaying front will be as accurate, if less soothing than they, I offer the following horoscopes.
Coca Cola
Born September 5, 1919 – Virgo, the virgin. Should have been Aquarius but the waters were muddied. Nothing virginal at all. Eager to get down in the dirt and wrestle with the rival to realize global ambitions. Persuasive and charming as shown by the ability to get billions of people forking out good money to buy fizzy brown liquid of zero nutritional content. It wants its stock to keep rising and to be the number one soft drinks seller in the world.
Pepsico
Born December 4, 1986 – Sagittarius, the archer. Would like to puncture Coke; doesn’t think Coke is virginal either. Otherwise see above.
Toys ‘R’ Us
Born February 14, 1928 – Aquarius, the water carrier. Despite being born on St Valentine’s Day, the company is not into romance, except vicariously between Ken and Barbie. It is very fond of children, although, it has to be said, even fonder of their parents’ checkbooks and credit cards. It wants its stock to go up and to be number one toy retailer.
Disney
Born December 16, 1929 – Mus, the mouse. Mus is of course the star of star signs that rose above the Hollywood firmament and since the others don’t mean anything anyway, I see no reason why I can’t be creative. In fact one aspect of the Mus sign is that its chief executives are somewhat large for a small rodent’s boots, and that they are endlessly creative with their own emoluments which add up to a hefty chunk of cheese. It wants its stock to go up, and so do all its option holders.
Starbucks
Born June 26, 1992 – Cancer, the Crab Perky, and somewhat hyperactive. You actually only get cancer if you smoke the product, although it is, to say the least, highly habit forming. Showing that what froths in the west will also dawn in the east, the product will spread and spread. It wants its stock to go up, even though it has yet to introduce the vanilla and Alaskan crab blend that the market is crying out for.
Heinz
Born July 27, 1901 -Leo, the lion. The main attraction of Heinz is its tendency to multiple personality disorder. Up to 57 different personae have been discerned by consumer psychologists. Leonity notwithstanding, Heinz can be vegetarian and can also lie down with the lamb – as long as it’s canned. Hospitable and caring, it wants people to eat more soup, more often. And it wants more than its chicken stock to go up.
IBM
Born June 15, 1911 – Gemini, the twins. For almost a century, people have counted upon IBM. As befits a twin, it has something of a split personality, as one division will sell technology to another division’s rivals. However, it doesn’t get the blues and always manages to be in the (main) frame. It wants its stock to go up, and so does everyone else since it is still quite a few bites of the Dow.
Sony
Born May 7, 1946 – Taurus, the bull. Deeply wants a bull to keep goring the Tokyo market into operation, but game to the last, has pawed its way into the NYSE. The Japanese have a different set of star signs to the west, but Sony has prospered by picking whichever cultural imperative works. Wants its stock to go up.
Microsoft
Born September 19, 1986 – yet another Virgo. Even less virginal than most of us virgos. From garage workshop to global monopoly in one generation, so any astrological investor who got the charts right on this one would be as rich as Bill Gates. Since we haven’t heard from any, we presume that the star-gazers were too busy scrying their charts to look at the takeover of their PC screens. Reviled daily even as people rush to buy more, one can only thank the stars that the markets do not crash as often or as totally as its main product. Coy as a virgin, it really wants its stock to go up, but every now and again its senior officers announce that it is overvalued. Jane Austen heroines would be proud of the act.
The Speculator
