Dear Mr Harris,
Sorry to bother you again, but I think I’ve hit upon a special movie idea – in fact, I’m trembling as I write. Mr Harris, I’ve hatched a picture that will actually blow your mind, a Citizen Kane for the 21st century. While I concede that some of my recent movie pitches to your studio (say, the last 50) have been a bit awful, I’m happy to stick my neck out on this one. It’s magnificent. You ready? Here goes.
Investor Relations: The Movie
Stay with me on this. Please. Kevin Costner plays Dick Kruger, a rookie investor relations officer. He’s new to the game but he’s got ideas and he’s got dreams. Charged with piloting his dot-com company through its IPO and beyond, he learns some tough lessons about life, people, shareholder value and expensive car chases. Kruger takes risks and breaks the rules. I have in mind a brilliant set piece in which he has to work against the clock to remove an illegal hyperlink from his IR web site before the regulator (think Brando in The Godfather) gets wind of it. (Costner, incidentally, is keen – hardly surprising given that his career trajectory of late is even more horrific than my own).
Now I know what you’re thinking. Seen it all before. Same old, same old – man gets job, man gets girl, man loses girl, man fights the Establishment, man scales back traditional annual report in favor of a new online version, man gets girl again. You’d be wrong. This is nothing like my recent National Lampoon’s Corporate Communications or Honey, I Shrank Our PR Budget pitches. This is originality itself. It’s moving, it’s sassy and it’s action-packed.
Opening sequence: the dull gridlock of rush hour New York is splintered by the madcap dash of our hero. He pelts through the streets (probably on foot, although I haven’t ruled out a hang glider sequence – do IROs commute like that?) and, after a witty round of verbal sparring with a flummoxed CEO, arrives just in time for a slick, Powerpoint-driven meeting with a hard-nosed analyst (Carrie Fisher – Kruger’s possible love interest – says she’ll get back to me).
Cut to a dark, dank bedroom in which a sweaty, deformed, bitter, possibly disabled (we can’t still be banging on about that political correctness thing?) chat room dweller (John Malkovich, budget-permitting) sits, plotting. He concocts an untruth about Kruger’s company that could threaten the safety of the earth, that directly harms civilization as we know it, or at least affects the company’s share price for a while.
A couple of hours of blah, blah, etc before the dashing denouement: a tear-jerking courtroom sequence in which the company clears its name, Kruger is declared a hero and the disabled guy is humiliated. I have also penned a big band musical number called Regulation FD (I Don’t Need No). I am confident we can squeeze it in somewhere, maybe the Capitol. Costner is already practicing his dance steps.
As you can tell, I’ve yet to thrash out the full plot but I already think this will be a box office belter, Mr Harris. It’s got thrills and spills (what if investors go cold on dot-coms and the stock price nosedives? Imagine the tension!). It’s got the money and sharp suits of securities lawyers and investment bankers. It’s got sexy locations. And it’s got guns and aliens (not sure how yet). In short, we’re looking at an emotional rollercoaster ride; we’re looking at Oscar fodder.
I’m excited by this project, Mr Harris. I’ll bet you are too. So down to business. I’ve penciled in a budget of $220 mn (peanuts in today’s money). I’ve promised Costner a fee of $100 mn, which he assures me is the going rate for leading actors. I’m now contractually bound to pay him so let’s get this baby off the ground! I just know the public is going to bite on this. I should point out that Investor Relations: The Movie is just a working title. I’m also toying with Invasion of the Money Snatchers and Try Hard.
Get back to me!
Yours, as ever,
George T Morris
