Q: Dear fashion doctor,
My company is in deep trouble, and layoffs are ahead. I was thinking of dressing in camouflage so the CEO doesn’t spot me. What do you think?
A: The military look? Soooo over. Didn’t anyone tell you the war against Iraquistan and France or wherever is finished? I know those nuclear/biological/chemical suits were cute and all, but seriously, no-one is wearing them anymore.
Q: Dear fashion doctor,
Everyone at investor conferences dresses in the same boring, gray way. Please can you give me some fashion tips so I stand out from the crowd and get myself noticed by investors and analysts?
A: That perennial IRO favorite, transparency, is always a good look. Everyone always talks about it, but few can actually pull it off. So if you can manage it, you’ll be the talk of the investing world. Do, however, make sure you’ve been to the gym first. Your investors may want you to bare all, but only if it won’t put them off their lunch.
Q: Dear fashion doctor,
As I have somehow stumbled upon a social life, I very often find myself going straight from the office to a night on the town. How can I quickly turn my work clothes into a sexy outfit?
A: A few simple tricks are all you need to turn your dull work-wear into cutting-edge fashion. Just dip your tie into the shredder for a quick, deconstructed look. Or tuck your trousers into your socks for a straight-off-the-catwalk silhouette. Whatever you do, don’t tie your tie around your head – it’s very last season.
Q: Dear fashion doctor,
I have unfortunately fallen into the role of office bimbo, as I am young, blonde and female. How should I dress to convince people that I am in fact a serious, well-educated member of the team?
A: Whatever you do, don’t wear glasses – it won’t fool anyone. The best option is to wear tiny little micro-mini skirts À la Ally McBeal and lots of makeup. People will think there is no way you would be that stupid and will assume you are in fact a genius.
Q: Dear fashion doctor,
As a CEO who spends a lot of time shouting, I have discovered that my employees are terrified of me and cower whenever I appear. What I really want, however, is for them to think that I am a caring, paternal figure, even when I am firing them. How can my clothes reflect this?
A: The best option is to wear your slippers to the office. It will remind your employees of their grandfathers, and will conjure up feelings of warmth and trust. Then you can fire at will.
Q: Dear fashion doctor,
I have no luck with women. The closest I’ve got to romance was the time I spent all evening with an analyst’s model. What do you suggest I should be wearing to improve my chances?
A: All the ladies love a jet-setter, so even if you’re stuck behind your desk all through the year, dress as if you’ve just come back from the Caribbean. Shorts, sunglasses and a flower garland around your neck will add a certain je ne sais quoi. Remember, the fashion doctor says you can never be too rich, too thin or too pretentious.
