For attention of: His Holiness, Pope Francis,
Apostolic Palace, 00120 Vatican City
From: Helen Dunne, columnist
March 30, 2012
Dear Your Holiness Pope Francis,
Firstly, I would like to offer my congratulations on your new appointment. You Catholics sure could teach the business world about succession planning. As for the white smoke from the chimney when a decision is reached, it’s inspired. I just love the way ‘smoke-free zones’ don’t apply in Vatican City. Seriously though, whoever thought of locking all the cardinals in a room without any contact with the outside world until they come up with their candidate is a genius. Forget about any interim appointments until a new chief executive is recruited; they inevitably start getting too comfortable in the hot seat. You guys simply put away the kangaroo-leather red slippers until the next papal feet come along to be shod.
Admittedly, your lock-in strategy doesn’t always work. I understand it once took more than three years to reach a decision, although you’ve now introduced a 13-day limit. In future, if you want to speed up the decision-making process, I’d recommend scheduling the voting conclave during the World Cup or, if there aren’t too many soccer fans among you, the Super Bowl.
But it does seem that all globally accepted conventions regarding sex and age are ignored when it comes to selecting a new pope. I wouldn’t be so bold as to call the voting process discriminatory, but no women in the running and cardinals over the age of 80 banned from voting are quite punchy statements in this day and age. And I suppose inviting other religions to get involved is out of the question. On the plus side, though, you do well on ethnic minorities and, with an average age of 72 among members of the conclave, appear to be doing your bit for promoting the elderly.
I also really like the inclusivity of your voting strategy: none of the cardinals in your conclave can argue that they didn’t have a say in the matter! They sat in the Sistine Chapel and cast their votes four times a day, twice in the morning and twice in the afternoon. Nobody’s vote counted more than anyone else’s, everyone had an equal voice. Perhaps the UK’s Takeover Panel should look at your ‘two thirds plus one majority’ rule – 51 percent seems a rather simple hurdle to overcome. Would Kraft have acquired Cadbury if the Papal Rule had been in place, I wonder?
I would suggest jazzing up the process, though. Writing a name on a ballot paper, folding it twice and holding it in the air with the words ‘I call as my witness Christ the Lord who will be my judge, that my vote is given to the one before God I think should be elected’ doesn’t convey the appropriate sense of drama for such an event. What if each cardinal had to demonstrate a talent, like singing a hymn in the style of Susan Boyle or juggling chalices, and everyone had a buzzer to remove deluded candidates early on? I know these aren’t requisite talents for a pope, but imagine the crowds at St Peter’s Basilica every Sunday hoping for the pope to perform his fire-eating act at mass?
What I really love about your strategy, though, is that there’s none of the usual baloney about paying top dollar to secure the best candidate in a global marketplace. Your conclave apparently includes the most senior and worthy members of the Catholic Church but it doesn’t matter if the going rate for other religious leaders is $1 mn, the pope receives nothing – not even relocation expenses. Utter genius!
Yours ever,
Helen
