Chairman: George, I have just read this report put together by the Stanford Graduate School of Business about how shareholders affect our decision-making process, and I’ve come to the conclusion that you, as director of investor relations, have to tell some of our investors they’re not welcome anymore. Do you think you can do that?
George: I’m not sure that’s within my skill set, sir. I was brought in to diversify the shareholder base. I have spent months getting shareholders to better understand our business, and encouraging them to invest their funds.
Chairman: But they’re the wrong types of investors, George – we don’t want them. Take those activist investors that took a stake – surely you can see they’re not our sort of people? I mean, for goodness sake, they asked questions at the annual meeting! Questions! If everybody started doing that, where would we be?
George: But they do own the company, sir. They have a right to ask questions.
Chairman: Yes, but not those sorts of questions, surely? Dividends, that’s all they need to ask about. What business is it of theirs how often I decide to use the corporate jet? Do you have any idea just how difficult it is to get from London to Bora Bora by commercial airline? This is a highly stressful job, George, and I do think I’m entitled to a holiday – don’t you?
George: Of course, sir, but the investors were still quite within their rights to ask about how many holidays you have taken over the last 12 months. Some people might perceive three months to be rather excessive.
Chairman: Excessive? I’m fed up with hearing that word. Excessive costs. Excessive pay. Excessive bonuses. That’s all anyone talks about these days. Excessive nonsense, that’s what I think.
I blame the short-term investors; they focus too much on costs. Demanding we sell the corporate helicopter – how dare they? Can you get rid of that lot too, George? This report says they usually hold the shares for less than seven months. Seven months: I’ve got pansies in the garden that are older than that. And yet they think they have the right to demand change at our company? It’s outrageous.
George: I doubt that would go down well in the press, sir…
Chairman: Oh, and while you’re getting rid of those short-termers, you can tell those hedge funds to shove off and all. They own 8 percent of our shares, and this report says 3 percent is more ideal, but it strikes me even that’s too high. They’re just overpaid, over-indulged, boorish individuals. They drive round in their Porsches like they own the world. High time somebody stood up to them.
George: So what sort of investors would be suitable?
Chairman: We need long-term investors who let us get on with our work, George.
George: And what do you define as long term?
Chairman: Well, according to this report, the average investment horizon of a long-term investor is at least 2.8 years, which doesn’t sound long enough to me. We want people who have an ultra-long-term view, and people who won’t rock the boat.
George: With all due respect, sir, seriously long-term investors can also be quite tricky to manage.
Chairman: Ah, but not if they’re family, dear boy: tell the kids to buy, buy, buy. Tell the others, bye, bye, bye!
