George Osborne
Chancellor of the Exchequer
11 Downing Street, London
Dear Your Majesty The Queen,
I’ve long admired you as a rare type of head of state – one prepared to suffer for the sake of her people. How many other women in their late 80s would have tolerated a performance given by will.i.am at their public celebration? I only hope your hearing aid was turned right down when Elton John took to the stage.
I’m also grateful for your family’s support of our government’s austerity agenda. I applaud the fact that you ride by horse and cart wherever possible, thus reducing your carbon footprint and keeping the royal fuel bills down. And I’ve long admired the Duchess of Cambridge’s frugal approach to fashion. A recent article in the Daily Mail newspaper noted that she’s been known to wear the same dress publicly on more than one occasion. Certainly no one could reasonably accuse your family of profligacy.
But Your Majesty, I do not write to you just to lavish praise on you. No. I write with a serious proposal concerning the nation’s fortunes. My suggestion, should you agree to implement it, would finally silence the last remaining dissenters and provide a firmer basis for our country’s future. You may have heard talk of the creation of a sovereign wealth fund in the UK to pay for large-scale infrastructure projects. The prime minister and I think it’s a jolly good idea, but there’s one snag. With a budget deficit at 3.2 percent of GDP, we don’t have much money to play with.
Sovereign wealth funds are normally for countries with cash surpluses and we’re unlikely to see one this side of 2020. But then we thought: why not make it a truly sovereign wealth fund? In other words, why not make our sovereign (you) the majority backer of the fund?
Think about it. You could have your branding on the fund’s website. And the royal coat of arms could appear on the fund’s Twitter avatar and email signatures. You’d get vast quantities of positive media exposure and a legacy that lives on for centuries to come. Now, before you voice your objections, Your Majesty, please indulge me a little longer. What if I told you that you could contribute to the formation of our new sovereign wealth fund without donating a penny from the Crown Estate? Sounds fantastical, doesn’t it? Well it isn’t. Here at the Treasury we’ve been putting our thinking caps on and we believe we can generate the necessary capital for the fund, with your co-operation.
You may be familiar with the sharing economy. It’s all the rage at the moment. Imagine putting the palace on Airbnb when you’re away on state visits. We saw a two-bedroom place in a pretty average part of Kensington for £300 a night. Just think how much we could make if we listed the 52 royal and guest bedrooms (along with the 188 or so staff bedrooms)! Or what about entering the royal corgis into Britain’s Got Talent? As viewers of the latest contest will know, dogs can be successful contestants. And it’s not like they’re going to demand the £250,000 prize money: suitable remuneration for their efforts can be given in the form of dog biscuits. Reality TV is another good fund-raising suggestion: perhaps a Kardashians-style show where a camera crew follows you and Prince Philip as you bicker about his latest faux pas?
I understand this is a lot to take in. But I think this would be an excellent way to cement the monarchy’s reputation long into the future – the world’s first true sovereign wealth fund. I look forward to hearing from you and di te incolumem custodiant.
George
This article appeared in the fall 2015 print issue of IR Magazine
