Compere: Welcome to the third round of our beauty pageant, the I want to be a chief executive because… section. Marlene, Miss Perfect Body, would you step forward and tell the judges why you want to be a CEO?
Marlene: I just want to work with animals and bring world peace.
Compere: So you’re not interested in business?
Marlene: Can I still work with animals and bring world peace?
Compere: I’m sorry, Marlene, but I thought you understood the rules of this beauty pageant. We’re here to find the next generation of chief executives. New academic research suggests firms run by beautiful CEOs perform better on the stock market. These judges are looking for this country’s next business leaders. Perhaps we should move on to Miss Luscious Lips?
Judge: Not so fast. Marlene, have you ever heard of EBITDA?
Marlene: Is that the new breed of Chihuahua? They’re so cute!
Judge: No, EBITDA is a financial term, but that’s an easy mistake to make. Let’s try another one: what do you understand by EPS?
Marlene: Oh, that’s easy – that’s to do with psychics, isn’t it? In fact, I’m a bit psychic myself. You’ve got a lovely aura… it’s kind of pale blue. It means you’ve got a very relaxed personality.
Judge: Er, thank you. But no, EPS is earnings per share. Let’s try for a third one: calendar spread?
Marlene: I love them! I was once Miss July. I really wanted to be Miss August, because she wore a gorgeous polka dot bikini and I had to wear a one-piece. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice – but do I look like a girl who should be wearing a one piece? Do I?
Compere: Er, I really think we should move on, judge. We have 10 more girls to interview. Why are you wasting time here?
Judge: Because Marlene here ranks highest on the CEO’s Facial Attractiveness Index.
Marlene: Why, thank you! It’s to do with my eyes. Everybody says I have wonderful blue eyes.
Judge: Actually, the index excludes eye color; the experts claim it’s too subjective. The index measures other things, such as the ratio of your nose to ear length and the ratio of your eye width compared with interocular distance: in other words, how far apart your eyes are.
Marlene: My eyes aren’t too far apart. I buy sunglasses off the shelf, I’ll have you know.
Judge: I’m not criticizing your eyes. I’m merely saying their color is irrelevant when it comes to this Facial Attractiveness Index. They’re perfectly spaced, according to this index. It scores you 8.70.
Marlene: 8.70? Out of 10?
Judge: Yes.
Marlene: There’s no way I’m an 8.70. I demand a recount. I’m a 10-girl all the way.
Judge: 8.70 is really good. Marissa Mayer only scored 8.45.
Marlene: Marissa Mayer? Is she Miss Lovely Legs? Because I could tell you a thing or two about her… varicose veins, that’s all I’m saying.
Judge: Marissa Mayer is chief executive of Yahoo! Since her arrival, shares have risen by more than 150 percent. This academic study suggests a part of that is down to her looks: she’s a woman, she’s good looking, she gets more than her fair share of TV interviews. Investors see her, listen to what she says and buy the shares.
Marlene: So I’d be on TV? Where do I sign?
