FAO: The office of HM Revenue & Customs
To whom it may concern,
I have long held that no (wo)man is an island. Consequently, I have reclassified my individual self for tax purposes as an archipelago. But I have not gone for tax haven status; rather, I have allowed each island within the archipelago to share vital information. Thus my right hand does indeed know what my left hand is doing.
And therein lies one of the many issues at the heart of my tax matters. For my right hand to be aware of my left hand’s idiosyncrasies, there must be some common connection. As a result, I have licensed my personal brand to each part of my body. My arm, for example, now pays for the rights to be known as Helen Dunne’s arm, rather than that of some random individual.
I have tried to be equitable in my dealings, setting the licensing charges on a sliding scale determined by size of body part and the extent of its activities. Thus, my legs pay heavily compared with my ears (there is a base fee for organs that are constantly ‘on’), while my fingers (which are regularly splayed across keyboards) are levied at a higher rate than my toes (which are simply squeezed into uncomfortable shoes). Incidentally, I am currently in dispute with my stomach about the proposed charges: it objects to my calculations on the basis that it has been a variable asset in recent years.
This may seem an unusual set-up, but I have watched it work well for holding companies, such as Virgin Group, which licenses its brand name to its separate divisions. I have also borrowed a further tax strategy from Starbucks UK, which sources its coffee centrally from a wholesale trading subsidiary, and charges each shop for the supplies. My brain supplies the vital ingredients for my body to perform on a daily basis. Until artificial intelligence becomes a reality, my brain therefore enjoys a monopolistic position and complete autonomy over pricing. (You may wish to refer this aspect of my tax arrangements to the Competition and Markets Authority, which could launch an inquiry and call for evidence that this monopolistic position distorts my personal marketplace but it would likely take months, if not years, to resolve this situation.) Of course, this has led to a standoff with my heart, which considers itself to be the most important organ within my body, and is currently in consultation with accountancy firms about the appropriate charges it may levy in the future.
In short, therefore, my earnings are derived from the personal brand licenses I have issued to my body parts, but these have been more than wiped out by my brain’s outrageous pricing demands. (I have also been forced to set aside claims reserves to cover the likely demands of my heart). This means I incurred a significant personal deficit this year. I recognize that this is not the outcome you anticipated, but it is, I fear, the reality with which we now have to cope.
Yours ever
Helen
